Many years have passed as I muddled back and forth as to what could possibly be the interpretations of these two dreams I’ve named, "In Need Of The Key" and "Lucky’s Legacy". And then finally, on one particularly recent day in February 2003, the interpretations seem to have finally merged into something which I can now comprehend. However, endeavoring to explain requires that I must delve into the darkness of the memories surrounding the suicide death of my brother on Monday, June 12,1995 at 10:45 p.m.
The news of that event had come on the heels of what, until this moment, was more pressing in my life. Suffice it to say, that the news of my brother’s untimely death came on the verge of nearly loosing my job due to some various insubordinate rule infractions at work I need not go into. At best, I can say that upper management decided to retain my employment with them after determining that my brother’s death may have been affecting my work performance.
Understanding the interconnection between these dreams came with the incessant analysis I had been placing upon the object defined as "a trinket" in "part one" of these writings, and for the reader’s benefit I would like to emphasize the importance of recording one’s dreams. This is a beneficial practice for future reference or analysis when such things remain troublesome in our mind. In this case, even with eight years after the catalyst, it had taken a total of 35 years for me to finally grasp a meaningful comprehension. Be that as it may, I have realized a profound satisfaction in doing so.
While in the dream, I kept nurturing some abstract sensation about the loss of "he who had preceded me", yet had forbade myself to assume that this loss had meant death. For one reason, on a psychic level such as can be predominant in a state of sleep, death is to be considered as merely a transformation from one expression into another, and for a second reason, at the time period surrounding the dream, my brother was very much alive - just distanced from me in physical terms.
It was not until all of these years later, that I had pondered why Lucky would have taken his own life in more or less "objective" terms. My conclusion became obvious when I stopped thinking of his loss in selfish terms and finally regarded all the miseries that my brother would have had to endure by the time his age had reached 45.
He had been a rebel for all of his life and had at a very early age found himself looking out from his first of many penal institutions. Convicted felons do not rate very well for employment in this world. He had recently divorced and eventually remarried for the third time in his life, and I suspect that the divorce from his second wife had more of an impact on him than he would outwardly admit. It was with her that he fathered the two nephews that I know, and it was with her that he had tried to purchase his first house in the small town of Blue Rapids KS.
Suspiciously, it was within a very few months that he had lost a job, fallen out of grace permanently with his wife and home status and had what I am sure were insurmountable financial problems. Perhaps the marriage to his third wife was merely the first of his coping behaviors. No wonder he made a sorrowful decision late in the night of that fateful weekend while in a drunken state of consciousness.
In time, it had dawned upon me that I too had been grappling with many shortcomings in my own life, and it would be no secret that life had placed me in multiple stages of despair as well. On a conscious level, and simply put, I believe that I deserved more good times and less of the bad; more success and less failures for all that I have ever attempted to do. Yet all through my life the nagging fear existed that these shortcomings are directly attributed to more karmic debt than I could hope to repay in this life time.
For, you see, I have no aspirations to reincarnate. I am a difficult person by nature with little patience for the negligence of society, nor for my own imperfections and weaknesses. Yet I have done things I am ashamed of in this life. I feel that I have made my pledge to the universal energy out of my determination to not return to the earth plane once I have departed from it. In my mind, I have made a covenant with both God and myself - that I will pay my karmic debts in this expression - even if it means paying double or even triple payments. And this is the simple reason for my enduring agonies. Agonies that have invariably lead me to contemplate suicide as well.
And herein lies the connection to these dreams. The "key" to Whiplash was found in the intangible trinket of Lucky’s "legacy" to me. That trinket was the actual similarity of his life and pain superimposed onto my life and pain. Where for him it lead to his real time demise many years later, for me, a devout subconscious pledge had already been made in the obscurity and history of my own memory; "by my own strength I would endure my miseries." I had forbidden the taking of my own life - even when things were intolerable and all emotional resources were inaccessible. This had been a silent pact with myself since late childhood, and due to the very darkness in the thought "of taking one's life," it had been a repressed memory until these recent realizations had formed.
I have finally discovered the profound connection through my spiritual contemplation on these two matters, and I have concluded that this places my "obligation" on earth to be the sheer endurance of one man alone in a world where no one could understand him, and yet feel powerless to inspire more elevated aspirations within the masses. I have been a person disgusted by the "double barreled" human culture’s incessant predisposition to harm others through abusive mental, emotional or physical behaviors, while relentlessly pursuing the untenable satisfaction of acquiring sufficient wealth at the same time. In my resolute opinion, these are both, equally, such useless endeavors when we have such capacity to nurture a divine harmony amongst all of us through "comforting" and "compassionate" actions. We shall not have evolved as a human society, until we realize that the rewards from every depth of these efforts alone are the only monetary system a society should ever have to know and utilize. Perhaps in the contemplations of this, "my conclusion", the reader will know how deeply my mortal life agony penetrates.
The news of that event had come on the heels of what, until this moment, was more pressing in my life. Suffice it to say, that the news of my brother’s untimely death came on the verge of nearly loosing my job due to some various insubordinate rule infractions at work I need not go into. At best, I can say that upper management decided to retain my employment with them after determining that my brother’s death may have been affecting my work performance.
Understanding the interconnection between these dreams came with the incessant analysis I had been placing upon the object defined as "a trinket" in "part one" of these writings, and for the reader’s benefit I would like to emphasize the importance of recording one’s dreams. This is a beneficial practice for future reference or analysis when such things remain troublesome in our mind. In this case, even with eight years after the catalyst, it had taken a total of 35 years for me to finally grasp a meaningful comprehension. Be that as it may, I have realized a profound satisfaction in doing so.
While in the dream, I kept nurturing some abstract sensation about the loss of "he who had preceded me", yet had forbade myself to assume that this loss had meant death. For one reason, on a psychic level such as can be predominant in a state of sleep, death is to be considered as merely a transformation from one expression into another, and for a second reason, at the time period surrounding the dream, my brother was very much alive - just distanced from me in physical terms.
It was not until all of these years later, that I had pondered why Lucky would have taken his own life in more or less "objective" terms. My conclusion became obvious when I stopped thinking of his loss in selfish terms and finally regarded all the miseries that my brother would have had to endure by the time his age had reached 45.
He had been a rebel for all of his life and had at a very early age found himself looking out from his first of many penal institutions. Convicted felons do not rate very well for employment in this world. He had recently divorced and eventually remarried for the third time in his life, and I suspect that the divorce from his second wife had more of an impact on him than he would outwardly admit. It was with her that he fathered the two nephews that I know, and it was with her that he had tried to purchase his first house in the small town of Blue Rapids KS.
Suspiciously, it was within a very few months that he had lost a job, fallen out of grace permanently with his wife and home status and had what I am sure were insurmountable financial problems. Perhaps the marriage to his third wife was merely the first of his coping behaviors. No wonder he made a sorrowful decision late in the night of that fateful weekend while in a drunken state of consciousness.
In time, it had dawned upon me that I too had been grappling with many shortcomings in my own life, and it would be no secret that life had placed me in multiple stages of despair as well. On a conscious level, and simply put, I believe that I deserved more good times and less of the bad; more success and less failures for all that I have ever attempted to do. Yet all through my life the nagging fear existed that these shortcomings are directly attributed to more karmic debt than I could hope to repay in this life time.
For, you see, I have no aspirations to reincarnate. I am a difficult person by nature with little patience for the negligence of society, nor for my own imperfections and weaknesses. Yet I have done things I am ashamed of in this life. I feel that I have made my pledge to the universal energy out of my determination to not return to the earth plane once I have departed from it. In my mind, I have made a covenant with both God and myself - that I will pay my karmic debts in this expression - even if it means paying double or even triple payments. And this is the simple reason for my enduring agonies. Agonies that have invariably lead me to contemplate suicide as well.
And herein lies the connection to these dreams. The "key" to Whiplash was found in the intangible trinket of Lucky’s "legacy" to me. That trinket was the actual similarity of his life and pain superimposed onto my life and pain. Where for him it lead to his real time demise many years later, for me, a devout subconscious pledge had already been made in the obscurity and history of my own memory; "by my own strength I would endure my miseries." I had forbidden the taking of my own life - even when things were intolerable and all emotional resources were inaccessible. This had been a silent pact with myself since late childhood, and due to the very darkness in the thought "of taking one's life," it had been a repressed memory until these recent realizations had formed.
I have finally discovered the profound connection through my spiritual contemplation on these two matters, and I have concluded that this places my "obligation" on earth to be the sheer endurance of one man alone in a world where no one could understand him, and yet feel powerless to inspire more elevated aspirations within the masses. I have been a person disgusted by the "double barreled" human culture’s incessant predisposition to harm others through abusive mental, emotional or physical behaviors, while relentlessly pursuing the untenable satisfaction of acquiring sufficient wealth at the same time. In my resolute opinion, these are both, equally, such useless endeavors when we have such capacity to nurture a divine harmony amongst all of us through "comforting" and "compassionate" actions. We shall not have evolved as a human society, until we realize that the rewards from every depth of these efforts alone are the only monetary system a society should ever have to know and utilize. Perhaps in the contemplations of this, "my conclusion", the reader will know how deeply my mortal life agony penetrates.